hari tu kan, lemon jenjalan kat laman sesawang lah kan, pastu terjumpa satu artikel yg dibuat oleh org yg sebaya lemon je, tapi mashaAllah, betapa lemon suke lah apa dia tulis, so lemon nak share sini.
Night time was something magical. A quiet moment of the day. Everything seemed to be still, frozen as if nothing else existed. Often it's a time of rest for people. But some rise in the night to relish in the serenity it had. Those that do take this time to reflect on the day's happenings. It's at these times the person starts thinking of where he had been and look forward to what's coming.
It's also a time for when they recollect their memories, bad or good and reflect upon themselves. Though right now, only bitter memories came to his mind. His past sins began to surface as mental images and he thought long of them. Bringing the past to the present, he thought of how badly it has damaged his life. Always he'd think of it as punishment for his past crimes. To be plagued with guilt for the rest of his life. To never be truly happy again.
And how could he? He didn't think he deserved happiness. The past he was supposed to let go, the sins he was supposed to leave, they were still here. Nearly every day he'd carry out these dark deeds and during the deep nights he'd wake up and lament on them. He'd mentally beat himself up, cursing at his own weakness to fight his urges. He tried blaming his surroundings, the people around him but eventually it would only lead to blaming himself. For who else can control one's mind and body than the person itself?
Hence, he would bring himself to a very low point and then in the day he'd act as if he had moved on. But he had became very good in acting over the years. There were those who knew of his condition but none realized that his disease persisted because he was so good at hiding it.
Often he'd give hints to people of what he's going through, maybe through behaviour and emotions, hoping that people would get curious and ask. At the same time though, he hoped they didn't.
He was confused. What was it that he really wanted? He didn't remember what being happy was like. It was, in a sense, a scary thought for him. And because of that, it seemed that he enjoyed being sad. Still, he yearned for the happiness that he had lost. His soul was torn. Not knowing where to go or what to do. He could hear the tormented screams and painful tears within. But none can hear them. None can ever see them. Only he could and only the Lord that made him could.
And that was why he woke during the nights. To let his mask of joy break. To show Him his true face. To let Him hear the piercing cries of his soul. To let Him know the fragility of his heart. To hope for and feel His embrace. To beg for His pardon and protection. All he wanted was forgiveness and a way out. He believed that there was one but he had been burdened with his own sins for so long that he even thought of giving up.
There was only a small light of hope in the darkness. He told himself, how could the light ever be closer? His sins went on and on, yet he dared to believe that he'd be able to grasp that light. Ridiculous!
But he held on to one belief and that was the Creator is All-Forgiving no matter how severe or how much your sins are. He believed in that after hearing stories of how Allah could forgive those who are more wretched than him. But he was always worried about Allah for saking him as he was still as sinful as ever.
Then, in his weakness, all he could do that night was sitting alone at his favourite spot in the room, quietly letting his bitter tears free, crying out to God Almighty, the only one who would listen to him. Hoping for forgiveness, protection and guidance.